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America Financial Services Urges You to Attend Functions of the Lit 6 Project!
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Caramel Baxter's CUBICLED.COM Presented by: CREDIT AMERICA Financial Services
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PLEASE NOTE: October 30, 2004: Caramel Baxter forced to retire by...the man! Caramel says: "Bring it on, baby. I'm moving to Montreal, CA." Retirement party held. Read the speeches HERE. Caramel Baxter says...Good bye. Don't ever forget: He Loves You. Welcome to Caramel Baxter's Cubicled.com: Your one stop shop for all information regarding...CORPORATE SUPER FUN!! For readers of the old cubicled, let it be known: Caramel Baxter finally understands the positive role multinational corporations can play in making people happy. Instead of breeding ill-content, dis-ease, he's breeding a funky good time! The corporage cube is where we spend our lives. Why not make the best of it? Right on! Party in Caramel's Pad! Who's bringing the board games? Excellent. |
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Some Top Stories from 2003-2004 May 7, 2004, Caramel Baxter Co-opted by the Man? I, Caramel Baxter, was doing what I've been doing yesterday, doing what I've been doing for two weeks, I was opening and reading SPAM e-mail messages in my apartment, SPAM e-mail regarding getting my weenus big, getting Viagra cheap to keep my new big weenus sturdy, getting painkillers: vicodin, etc. for my painfully big weenus, getting a new mortgage to buy a house big enough to house my enormous weenus, getting hot adult videos to sooth my needy weenus, getting live internet feeds -- especially of Asian women -- to keep my tremendous weenus happy. I actually didn't want to buy anything. I've just been out of work, fired from the company (laid-off, they said) and I've been trying to visualize a new occupational setting, and thought, "Hmm? I wonder if Mr. Chew, of Mr. Chew's Asian Beaver website, might have a job opening over there. I am a powerhouse Administrative Assistant. I know technology. Women love to tell me their problems: I could help raise the Asian girls morale... Perhaps Mr. Chew could use a guy like me." And I began sending the SPAMMERs reply e-mails fishing for a new job (This one to Mr. Chew). And then, I think, I got that SASSER virus from one of these damn SPAM e-mails I've been opening obsessively, and so I spent a load of time trying to fix my computer, and I've been working on that, worked on that yesterday, even while I continued to open SPAM e-mails and send job queries...when I received a strange and terrifying phone call. Go to Story... The Story Continues... Caramel's Transition to Corporate Whore!
Spanked by the MAN!
The Lovely VP Elise Hayes in the Atrium of the LOVE BOAT! This Spanking was HER Idea! |
Cubicled Columnists: Each Week We Bring You The Best of What the Office Has to Offer
Fun? Why Not? Right On. The Guide to the June 1st Edition. By Caramel Baxter -- Editor, Cubicled.com
By Caramel Baxter, Editor, Cubicled.com Welcome corporate hordes to this week's cubicled, the second edition of cubicled as a new incarnation: a newsletter dedicated to good times and great work. (6/7/2004) Go to Newsletter Introduction
Life is Fun, Life is Like That. The Guide to the June 14th Edition. Caramel Baxter, Editor
We Are Family! "I'm about creating family-leveraging your already existing informal work relationships into a 'family' brand...There will be a boost in morale, followed by a quantifiable increase in productivity, which will foster a more positive company image among shareholders/stakeholders..." (6/1/2004) Go to Story!
Fun is a Shared Value
Many of your associates nationwide have been asking human resources of late: Why is CAFs so focused on employee fun? Likewise, you in Minnesota are probably wondering: Fun? What does work have to do with fun? The answer, my friends, on a very superficial level, is simple: Happy employees are productive employees. But there's much much more... (6/7/2004) Go to Story
Travels ?
Travels? How about
Alaska? I've been thinking a lot about Alaska lately. I hadn't given it much thought as a vacation destination, but the first season of "Northern Exposure" came out on DVD and I've been watching the episodes on my computer down here in the sub-basement. And, even though the Human Resources Department has banned me from discussing the number of vacation hours I have, so as not to upset the rest of you, let's just say I have a lot. So now I think of everything in terms of vacation. (6/21/04) Go to Story!
By Beverly Crevitz, Account Processor, Bird Maker You like crafts? I make birds. Fat ones. My sister makes birds out of yarn balls...(6/7/2004) Go to Story
By Slash, the Intern ...I mean, if you want to put on a monkey suit and stare at Power Point presentations all day that’s your business, but it’s quite another thing to voluntarily wear a colorful noose around your neck as you chomp on gourmet bagels at nine in the morning and blink steadily across the table at Herb from accounting, who is trying to simultaneously fit two bagels AND a pint of coffee in his mouth, as if he could devour his way to happiness, the poor sad sack of horse s$!t that he is. (6/14/2004) Go to Story
The Girls are Back in Town: Join the book club
Book clubs at a lot of companies are more about gabbing than reading. Hey! I can do that in the company bathroom or the kitchen any darn time I want, okay! And, last year, okay, we gabbed a lot. But we had no choice because the books we read were just awful. And what's really wacky is we chose the books because people said they were "BRILLIANT" and "GENIUS" and we are all really pretty gosh darn sharp and we hoped these big books would challenge us, makes us really use our noggins. But you know how it goes: these "GREAT" books were just down-right BO-RING! (6/14/2004) Go to Story
King Ping Pong Gets His Pong On
Who loves to kick your butt!? That's me, Roddy McDowd! Not only am I the most senior member of the Customer Service Team, I'm a superstar ping pong player. You want a piece of me? Bring it on! (6/7/2004) Go to Story
Dealing with the Darkside: An Objective Look at the Emotional Underground of a Corporate Life (or: Turn that Frown Upside Down). June 1st: Do you ever wonder why you don't want to get out of bed in the morning? Do you wonder why you can sleep for ten, fifteen hours a night but not feel rested? Do you ever dig through the freezer hoping to find a lost pint of Smetana Vodka you just know you put in there a few months ago? Caramel Baxter wonders... Go to Story June 2nd: It's night again. The last day wasn’t so bad. Not as bad as it could’ve been. Caramel Baxter was not pummeled by co-workers who were screaming sell-out, dupe, dumb-assed brownie-nosed bitch. But the night got bad. See, Caramel has called his girlfriend, his former boss, the Lovely Vice President Elise Hayes. She did not pick up, nor is she returning his call. The night is so dark and rainy and cold... Go to Story June 3rd: What a beautiful day in Minnesota. Glorious ballz out blue sky and sunshine. Caramel Baxter hung-out all day in his window-view cube, e-mailing little messages to HQ in New Jersey. "Hey Puddin. Yo. What's happening?" he wrote. Go to Story June 4th: The drinking began in earnest after Caramel got off the phone with the (not so) Lovely VP Elise Hayes, Wednesday night. He emptied his ice cold vodka sitting on the stoop of his apartment, saw the street lights fade, then fell from his roost, then fell asleep in the bushes. Go to Story
vodka and valerie and telephone and caramel passed out...the LVP is gone. June 7: Caramel Baxter goes to work today with a plan. He's going to smile more. He read someplace that smiling actually triggers brain chemicals in your brain to make you feel happy. He wants to be happy. Why not? Who doesn't? Not everybody who wants to be happy had their ass dumped at the end of last week by the only woman they've ever loved. Caramel wonders if this smiling thing might be the exact medicine he needs. Go to Story June 8: Caramel Baxter smiled all day. He smiled in the elevator and someone asked if he was okay. He smiled in the hall and people made moves to avoid eye contact. He smiled in the Cafeteria and the Cafeteria Girl, Pattie O'Brien, said, "What's your problem, man?" He smiled in the bathroom and people scattered, ran for the doors. Go to Story June 9: The phone rings. The phone rings. The phone rings. Caramel Baxter screams, "Lucinda, get the fucking phone...or is yer show too good?" The phone rings and rings and rings. Caramel Baxter shakes himself awake. There is no Lucinda. Lucinda is not watching Divorce Court; Lucinda does not exist. Go to Story June 10: One call. That's all it took. Because Caramel couldn't snap out of it on his own. He could not shake the horrible idea that he'd utterly fucked up his life by taking this new job: Happy Fucking Newsletter Editor. How could he be happy? Elise Hayes, Vice President over Technology -- his one true love -- dumped his ass for being arrogant and a "slut." Go to Story June 11: Caramel Baxter looked his bottles of vodka in the eyes. "I'm tired of you, you pretty bastards," he said. "I don't need you anymore. You make my stomach hurt and my head is cloudy and I don't smell so good, got it?" He considered pouring his Vodka in the mud by the juniper bushes outside his apartment, then thought better. What if Jersey Girl, Valerie V-C, she who is visiting him for a weekend, though she lives a thousand miles a way...what if SHE wants a Vodka drink? Go to Story
crawling and skullhead and double wide and airplane and clean living
June 14: "I've taken you as my lover." That's what she told Caramel Baxter on Sunday. "I'm engaged to a Sicilian." She told Poor Caramel Baxter. "If he found out about this, he'd probably kill us both!" Caramel Baxter had a rough weekend. Go to Brief. June 15: Caramel Baxter spent Monday getting his Shit together. He got to work early, cleaned his desk, checked his e-mail (averted his eyes), checked his voice mail, checked his e-mail again. There was one from Valerie Vespucci-Cordizi. It said simply: "This weekend rocked. Let's do it again and a-gain." Caramel deleted the e-mail and got to busy, big time. Go to Brief. June 16: After staying up the whole night Monday writing instant messenger messages to the Most Delightful But Also Engaged Communications Associate Valerie Vespucci-Cordizi, Caramel Baxter had a difficult time staying awake at work. Thankfully, he'd signed up for the weekly ping pong tournament and that really got the blood flowing. In fact, Caramel's cat-like quickness, a real boon to his hoped-for career as a karate master, allowed him to go deep into the tournament, even though he has minimal ping pong skills and experience. Go to Brief. June 17: What knocks a guy out? Ex-fiancées who want to talk. Caramel Baxter has the inauspicious honor of owning an ex-fiancée on the job. If he'd been the one to kill it, to bring it all down...if he'd been the one to say see ya later alligator, if he'd been the one to fill up with mad anger and crazy hatred and head for the door...well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But he wasn't the one. No, the Lovely VP Elise Hayes told Caramel to take a fucking hike. And every day of his work existence he has to pass her in the long halls, he has to cross her gaping office door, he has to watch her throwing her beautiful head back, laughing at some dumb executive's joke. What he'd really like to do is throw office supplies at her, including three-ring binders...clips open, so as to inflict maximum pain. Go to Brief.
Loganberry and Cleaning and Ping Pong and Tap Dance
Caramel Dune Buggy
Tasseled Loafers?
What about Vegemite?
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SPECIAL -- Mental Health Spotlight: WITH
TEMPORARY EAC Counselor, Dr. Pat Dream On!: Using Your Dreams as Something to Get! By Doctor Pat, Life Trainer “If you love something, let it go,” my late grandpapa once whispered in my ear when I was but a young child. “If it never returns, well, then you’re fucking screwed.” He died a few years later of a tequila and opium-induced heart attack while screwing a 14 year-old hooker named Bonita in non-descript brothel just outside of Guadalajara, Mexico. “He died doing what he loved,” my father was fond of recalling. (6/21/04) Go to Story...
Me and Grandpapa, 1976
SUCCESSFULIZE YOUR LIFE! By Doctor Pat, Life Trainer “If you chase your dreams, you’ll just look foolish in the end”. “Don’t rock the boat, just keep to yourself.” “You will never amount to anything.” “Stop touching your penis when you get excited.” How many times in our lives have we been bombarded with these negative messages? Everyday, our lives, our thoughts, our actions are being programmed for failure by the negative naysayers among us who would like us to fail, lest our lives makes their lives look as pathetic as they really are. Pathetic losers. Well, you’re in luck, my new friends at Credit America, because Dr. Pat is here to debug your mental software of this faulty source code; to reboot your system in the name of wellness and rewire your brain like it’s a computer or something. (6/7/04) Go to Story
Care to Chase Your Dreams?
Super-Fun Good-Time Announcements! 6/1/2004 Announcements Tuesday, June 1: The CAFs Weight Ranglers will hold their first meeting of the summer session in the cafeteria on 5E. Weigh-in will be at 3:00 p.m., followed with a presentation by Sharon Hardersen from the downtown office entitled: "Hey Mrs. Mud Flaps -- How About Another Bratwurst?" A primer for handling weight-loss during Minnesota's intense outdoor barbecue season. Snack sign-up on the bulletin board next to the kitchen entrance.
Bratwurst Legalized Skateboarding: On Wednesday morning, June 2, 9 a.m., Karen McDonald's son and three of his friends will show off their stuff (skateboarding tricks and tomfoolery) on the parking lot's top floor. Bring your old board, a pair of kneepads and your favorite helmet. Try out the quarterpipe! Entry to this event is $6. Proceeds go to Dougie McDonald and Friends Legal Fund, to offset large trespassing fines the four recently accrued while boarding at an abandoned manufacturing site in Brooklyn Park. "We was just boardin, yo," said Dougie in the quartet's defense.
27-year-old Dougie McDonald Coalition of the Grilling: On Thursday, June 4, at 4 p.m., weather permitting, EVP Donald Osmond will be hosting this year's first "Coalition of the Grilling" cook-out. Brats, Buns, Burgers and Fun will all ensue. Ted Carlson, "Just an Accountant and His Guitar," will provide entertainment. Mr. Osmond asks volunteers to run the grills to sign-up outside his office. Please note: women will not be allowed to man the grills. "Only the guys will be wearing aprons at this event!" said Osmond. Osmond will be presenting on the war effort in Iraq during the "Coalition" cook-out. He'd especially like to see Democrats attend. "Somebody's got to give those pinkos the what-for," he said with smile and a thumbs-up.
EVP Don Osmond Blood Drive! The bloodmobile will be here on Friday, June 5, between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. Please give freely of yourself. Due to last month's contamination scandal, all competition between departments has been forbidden. However, our office will be competing nationally against other CAFs Divisions. Still, please answer questions regarding your personal health history honestly. No half-price lunch to Stewart Anderson's Cattle Company is worth tainting the regional blood supply. If you're clean, though, spill it for the team!
Last month's blood drive resulted in the criminal apprehension of two women in account processing. 6/7/2004 Announcements Monday, June 7th: The office A.A. meeting will be held at a special time, 3 p.m., in conference room D. A special speaker from HQ will present on his life: "From Gutter to Butter -- One Alcoholic's Rise to Corporate Prominence." Nonalcoholics or those simply curious about the organization are welcome to attend. Remember, anonymity is of utmost importance to attendees. No phone cameras allowed. Remember: John Lutvig was fired for what he did to the Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
Lutvig not smiling now. Baby Portrait Game: Account Processors are encouraged to bring Jan Haskell your baby pictures by Friday, June 11. Pictures will be posted on the intranet and employees will have the opportunity to match the processor to the photo. Winner of this month's Baby Portrait Game will win a thirty dollar gift certificate to Don Pablos, an Authentic Mexican Chain Restaurant, which serves mountains of free chips and salsa, pipes in fantastic mariachi music, sings Authentic Mexican Birthday Song, "Feliz Cumpleanos a Ti!" for birthdays and...also serves Mighty Margaritas at lunch. Stay off the Tequila, ladies! We'll be sniffing your breath, winner!
Jan Haskell, CA 1950, before Tequila got her! Beverly Crevitz (see this week's columnists) reminds everybody that her making a bird club will have its first meeting on Thursday, June 10 at 3 p.m. in the cafeteria on 5E. Please bring black construction paper, orange construction paper, scissors, glue (Elmers Paste Stick Preferred) and your best smile. Beverly will provide plastic "googly" eyes to all-comers.
Cafeteria on 5E, Thursday, 3 p.m. 6/14/2004 Announcements New Karate Club to Hold Meeting Friday: Come to the Kick-off of the 3E Karate Club on Friday afternoon at 3 p.m. According to Mike Ripa, the club will immerse itself in everything Karate, "From ass kicking video games to ass kicking movies to personal, man-sized ass kickings handed out by yours truly." Participants will have the opportunity to study the Martial Art at a ten percent discount at Mr. Chew's House of Kung Fu. "Mr. Chow is my master," said Ripa, "Let him teach you the path and then it's go time. I'll take you all down, hard core. Then we'll drink lite beer and high five. Then you can come over to my house to watch a movie, or whatever."
"Karate" Camping Club to Camp at Cotter Creek: This weekend, the members of the Camping Club, Rick and Laura Hindricks, will go camping at Cotter Creek Campground. They are planning to pitch a tent, mix a few drinks, burn some wood and sit around in the dirt. Later they will sleep in sleeping bags graded to 30 degrees below zero. The weather is expected to be humid and warm. They will sweat and wake with mealy, skanky, snake breath. Later they will go tubing on Cotter Creek. Rick is bringing his mirrored Oakley shades so as to ogle teenagers clandestinely. Laura plans on talking incessantly.
50% of Camping Club to Ogle Teens
Paper Bird Happy Fun Columnists:
Caramel Baxter, Editor
Slash! (Intern)
Tami Berger, New Accounts
Mary Jo Carmichael, Senior Director Internal Communications
Yancy Cumberland, Sub-Basement Manager/Travel Correspondent
Beverly Crevitz, Account Processor
Roddy McDowd, CSR, King Ping Pong
President Edgar Blondewell
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CUBICLED SUPPORTS THE IMPORTANT WORK OF DAVE ASH INC. Obviously, you should, too. Visit him. |
VISIT OUR BUDDY SUSAN AT WWW.SUSANMONTAG.COM CHECK OUT HER STRANGE CARTOONS. |
SEARCH IT. |
For More Information on Cubicled: caramel@cubicled.com
The Cafeteria is Empty
Welcome
to the new cubicled. Yes, it's true, in past years I've used this
one-time underground publication to ridicule my company, and truly, all
of corporate America. Meanwhile, I've continued to get paid top dollar
to do very little of what could be considered difficult work. And, over
the course of the last few weeks, I've come to realize how utterly
ungrateful I've been...(6/1/2004) 
By Edgar Blondewell,
President -- Debt Instruments, Special Director of Corporate Fun
One of best ways to relieve stress from the workplace is a vacation. I
know a lot of people from CAFS take a week and go to the Wisconsin
Dells, where they throw their large white bodies down waterslides and
ride amphibious duck boats in and out of the river. I know this because
I read their emails. You would do the same if you were sitting down here
in this dark sub-basement alone all day making sure the giant servers
keep humming along... (6/1/2004) 
By Yancy Cumberland
Why I Won’t Wear a Tie
